I had my first homosexual experience last friday.
I’ve always considered myself quite the deviant, but this time I raised the bar.
1. I had someone enter the back door.
2. I was on so much drugs I don’t even remember the experience.
3. Once they were finished, I paid them.
Top that, sickos.
Dont look at me. I can feel the sting of your judgement. What adults let people to do to them behind closed doors is none of your business. Unless you pay to download it.
As it went, on Friday a very nice man and a couple nurses went spelunking in my colon to see why my tummy hurt so much a few weeks back.
On the positive side I can now say I have something in common with captain super-blogger Tony Pierce. On the down side I also have something in common with Paris Hilton- since the doctor taped it. With night vision.
Afterwards I was sitting in the waiting area, still a bit giddy from the drugs and thanking all that’s good and holy that I had no memory of the ordeal when the Dr. came to deliver the news. Que awkward moment:
“Good news, it was just hemmoroids.”“um, that’s good?”
“Oh wait. That’s not your file.”
(shuffling)
“So that’s some other gentleman’s starfish we’re checking out then, Doc?”
“I’m so sorry. Here’s yours- you have a touch of Diverticulosis. Don’t eat nuts or sunflower seeds and you should be fine.”
Poor mortified Doc left in a hurry since the guy with the photogenic pooper was probably the man sitting two chairs away.
Luckily my file contained only a diagram of my intestines, instead of a full photo spread. And I guess I can deal with cutting out nuts. I’ll miss cashews, but let’s be honest- peanuts got old a long time ago.
My advice: don’t make fun of doctors. If you’re not lucky, some day one might decide he’s had enough and stick a camera up your ass.
Links:
- TONYPIERCE.COM: At a point in every person’s life
- EDADKINS.COM: Tragedy Strikes my pooper
- THE ZEROBOSS: It’s Always a Competition
- BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
- « Confessions of a gadget addict #392
- » I Liked Them Better When They Were Called…
- BROWSE / IN Greatest Hits Miserable Moments
- « Meet Ed Adkins, Adult
- » Time To Jog
- RELATED / YOU MIGHT FIND THESE INTERESTING No related posts
COMMENTS / 6 COMMENTS
Arethusa added these pithy words on Jun 27 05 at 6:53 pmYou’ll have to pick the nuts out of your rocky road ice cream now.
I was going to make some corny, distasteful joke about the whole gay experimentation and prohibition of nut intake thing but…naaaaah.
brando added these pithy words on Jun 27 05 at 9:46 pmDude it’s not gay unless you turn around and both the doc’s hands are on your shoulders. And even then, it’s only gay if the balls touch. And even then, it’s only gay if you cry.
Oh, peanuts are legumes, not nuts. Have as much as you want.
Becky added these pithy words on Jun 27 05 at 10:05 pmHahahaha! You have such a way with words. “Starfish, spelunking…” I’m still cracking up (yours was better than Tony’s entry). On a serious note, I hope they can help you with your problem.
ed adkins added these pithy words on Jun 27 05 at 10:34 pmUm, Arethusa- I set them up for you to spike them. It was perfect.
Brando, thanks for the words of encouragement. I’m only regaining bits and pieces of my memory and but I don’t think I cried. A couple times he made me say his name and he slapped me a couple times, but I kept my composure.
Thanks Becky, you’re kind. But in Tony comes by, tell him you liked his post better- we could use his traffic.
The G with the Biggest Sack added these pithy words on Jun 29 05 at 10:45 pmHey Ed, just sitting here reading your blog munching on a Planter’s variety mix… uh I mean, no, I’m eating, uh… printers… ? … sorry I just wrote the first thing I saw…
Bill added these pithy words on Jul 05 05 at 11:32 pmBeen there, done that. Thanks for the memories.
