…don’t do it this way:

So, this old guy is at home watching Death Wish. (mad, sick, crazy foreshadowing going on here, folks.) As these things happen, a thief waltzes in and grabs said old guy’s wife, holding some garden shears TO HER THROAT. Does the old guy freak out? NO! He’s like, “OMG this is SO AWESOME! Not only am I watching the most KICK BUTT vigilante on TV but now I get to TOTALLY WAIL ON THIS IDIOT.” Or something like that. I’m sure he was so pumped- He’s all, “So there, sonny, you think an old man could go get his wallet? heh heh heh (wheese)” and the 26 year old with a curtain tied around his head is all, “Sure.”

MEANWHILE, the old guy passes up the wallet for a HUGE MASSIVE 357 MAGNUM, or something (it never mentions the make or model of the pistol but come on). Back to the action, the old guy comes diving out of his bedroom shooting with two guns at once, with doves and crap flying all around- and there’s a fire somewhere. Plus, glass is shattering everywhere, with water and stuff too- ALL IN SLOW MOTION. (do i even need to mention the KILLER SOUNDTRACK?)

The wife pulls away and the kid gets riddled with bullets AND THEN HE EXPLODES all sick and there’s this nasty blood splatter all over the wall and the old guys face. That’s when his wife is like, “OMG you are SO AWESOME! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!” Moral to the story? Besides how NOT to commit a robbery? I think it’s obvious- Don’t you DARE take violence off TV. Your life and the lives of those you love just may depend on it.

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