I’ve Got Dreams To Remember
Last night was our second night of birthing class. Men, listen up. Birthing class is the most loving, wonderful, sensitive thing you will ever do that will scare the ever-loving crap out of you.
The movies they show you I believe were produced by the company that made the “bloody asphalt” video from Moving Violations.
Naturally, they are having the same effect that Dawn of the Dead had on me. Little sleep. Lucid, terrifying dreams. Let’s recap last night’s tour down OMG-what-have-I-done-to-my-wife-lane.
Dream One: In an effort to relieve Heidi of the horrible things I witnessed on the video, I have assumed the responsibility of carying the baby to term myself. It rests comfortably in a womb I constructed out of paper mache and had inserted into my abdomen, to be removed thru C-section.
Dream Two: Things reach a new level of terror when Leonardo DiCaprio calls to congratulate me on my decision to give birth.
Dream Three: I am attacked by Killer Bees.
I seriously think they should just tell us men the whole stork thing. Then, when we show up for delivery whip out a picture of some horrible birth in progress. Later, when we’d stopped our fetal sobbing we’d thank the Doc for sparing the months of terror. And I wouldn’t have to keep popping No-Doz to fend off a chummy Leonardo DiCaprio.
November 18th, 2004 at 6:50 pm
Would it help if I told you the stork story anyway? I’m warning you though, no matter what story I’m telling, it always ends with, “and the moral is, never shave your genitals with an unwashed shard of volcanic glass.” I’m not exactly sure why that is. I just find it to be a good solid piece of advice.
November 18th, 2004 at 8:54 pm
Wait until you see it in living color, whoa! (And then get the bill!)