I just had a heart attack. And an aneurism. Followed by a really intense sneeze.

The news I just read will undoubtedly lose me a few readers, as they will die of ecstasy upon reading it. That’s a fine way to lose readership, if you ask me. Better this than meet the business end of an aids infected soup spoon.

Anyway, back to news. I’m serious- your kids are going to ask you where you were when you found out about this. That is, assuming you don’t go sterile upon reading it.

Quentin Tarantino is in final negotiations to write and direct the Ultimate Jason Voorhees Movie, an all new Friday the 13th for New Line.

Wipe the coffee off the monitor and put on a new pair of pants. Call your loved ones. Do what you must. Basically this alone is the reason I won’t ask to be pulled off life support if a runaway city bus renders me a vegetable. If there’s even a sliver of a chance I could wake up enough to catch a glimpse of this movie, I don’t care if I’m left pooping involuntarily in a ziplock bag or requiring the use of an iron lung. If made, this movie will be the only true miracle most of us ever see.

It’s the best news I’ve ever heard, and the only sadness I feel now is that for the rest of my life nothing I ever read or hear will ever compare. At 28, I’ve peaked.

My guess is that people will respond to this movie much like they did “the Passion.” Across the world people will be compelled to confess to crimes, find faith, and you can bet at least in the third world movie-plexes we’re gonna see people healed.

Oh well, try and focus on your boring pathetic lives for now. Even though it will be near impossible to think of anything else until the movie airs, you now have a glorious shining reason to go on in this dark world.

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