So I’m at a conference. An accounting conference. In hell. I’m sitting in a presentation on effective proposal programs.

Please allow me to add a touch or foreshadowing. “To know ABOUT the giggle loop is to be PART of the giggle loop.” If you don’t understand, watch more BBC.

If you’re anything close to a regular reader of my blog, you have a sense for my humor. It appeals to a certain level of humanity. A very low level. Perhaps then you can understand why this particular presentation was troubled from its inception.

Early on, the presenter stated some phrase which my infantile mind quickly raced to twist to a sexual nature. I immediately turned to the fellow on my right and muttered, “I didn’t know it was going to be one of those presentations. He chuckled.

Then things got a tad bizzare. Here’s a smattering of the topics that would come next:

• Lead Elongation

• Multiple Touchpoints
• Drilling Your Pipeline
• Being Careful Not To Cut Off Your Options
• Hierarchy of leads referred to as graprefruits and mellons

It seemed that the seed I had planted in our minds had grown to a horrfying beanstalk. We could hardly contain it.

Then she reached a whole nother level with an entire section on “Penetration Strategies.” Yes. I know. She then moved on to

• Multiple Positions

• Contacts who are warm and fuzzy
• Points you could dip in oil (totally confused there)
• Peanuts (you have to hear her pronounce it)

I was already fighting an anneurism, but I burst into tears when she mentioned “Wiggle Room.” A man can only take so much.

That’s when she noticed me. It’s also when she stopped her presentation to ask what was wrong. I couldn’t take it. In a room full of marketing professionals and accountants I completely lost it, but managed to spit out, “It’s just… that we find your presentation… a tad… suggestive.”

She turned to the screen where her penetration strategies were laid out. “Oh. I see.” The place actually responded with laughter. Somehow in 30 seconds I had managed to bring the maturity level of the room to something around 6th grade.

Is there anywhere that I’m a good influence?

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