This was going to be a review of last Friday’s debate. Unfortunately I didn’t write down my opinion on it fast enough and now all I remember is Kerry had a red tie while Bush sported a blue one. The truth is, debates suck. Not enuf action, not enuf drama, not enuf music or backup dancers.

But I do bring something to the table, gentle readers. I see all these programs lately trying to convince young people to vote, a la “puffy is doing it- so should you!” Wrong approach. You can’t change the kids- change the system. You see how many people vote on reality TV- why am I the only one who is brave enough to make the connection?

COMMANDER-AND-CHIEF: THE RACE TO BECOME THE NEXT LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

Bust it out in a way that actually appeals to the American public. Lights, crowds, Seacrest. You could hold auditions at malls and stuff across the nation. Get some judges like Bill Mahr, a few guys from Fox news and mix it up with some sassy B-listers like Gary Hart or Al Sharpton.

Tell me you wouldn’t like to see them all lined up- all these old guys in suits- sitting, standing, pacing in front of The Buckle or Cinnabon, all waiting to go in and get shredded. Howard Dean comes out and he’s all, “Dammit- I completely freaked out. The pressure, man. The pressure.”

People could vote via email or text messaging- and why not let ‘em do it more than once- if they enjoy it why stop em? Coke and McDonalds could do special promotions with the candidates on the cups- it would really jazz up the whole thing.

The finalists could each get a mock staff and be presented each week with crucial policy decisions. Their staff briefs them and we get to see all the action. Then they decide stuff- I dunno like taxes or nukes or something. Then we all vote on how they did. Plus there’d be backup singers and dancers and lights and stuff. I’m not against having them eat mealworms or rat kidneys or something either.

Of course there would be singing. And dancing. And group routines. I’d kill to see Bush and Kerry doing “Summer Lovin’” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” together.

Then we all watch the season finale where Seacrest is all, “You voted America. The ballots are in and the tally has been counted. Now to see who will be the next, COMMANDER AND CHIEF…

…right after ONE MORE message from our sponsors. And another. and another. and another.”

This idea is gold. I know it.

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