Screw Santa.
Not because I’m all “we need to get rid of all the commercialism” (weenie voice). I’ve got a whole other reason.
Riddle me this batman:
If I have endure the mall,
if I have to brave the tidal wave of retards and jerkholes in the parking lot,
if I have to fight that red-eyed living-dead grandma for the last tickle-me-spongebob,
if I have to hit seven different stores for the right color Barbie H2,
if I have to find, purchase, hide, find again, wrap and place each present under the tree at 3AM,
Then why on earth should some imaginary fat troll get the credit?
Screw that crap. He does nothing. He just sits at some imaginary polar wonderland enjoying his elf-slave-labor and not dieting.
My kid is never hearing that crap from me. No way, no sir no how. We’re claiming the credit for each and every present under that frickin tree. Not him.
Why, every year do so many parents just throw away all the points they could score with their kids by claiming some strange man in red mysteriously decided to buy them gifts? Why set your kid up like that? Then later they get all bitter when they realize that 1. you lied and 2. The only way they can ever enjoy that magic again is to get on welfare.
So screw Santa and his pompous list
and the elves
and the reindeer
and the easter bunny
and the toothfairy
and the abominable snowman and the misfit toys.
Your mother and I got you that red rider b-b-gun sweetie. Because we love giving you stuff and we hope you love to do the same. And if you ever, EVER ever see some huge old tub O lard with a bunch of midgets trying to break in at 3AM on Christmas- you know how to use it.
- BROWSE / IN
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COMMENTS / 10 COMMENTS
Arethusa added these pithy words on Dec 12 04 at 5:12 pmWhile I am fairly sure my mother never expressed her thoughts in such a manner, I daresay you and she are on the same page in this instance; she never gave Santa any of the credit for the gifts she or anyone else bought for me either.
Peggasus added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 7:02 amBah.
Humbug.
I’ll check back with you on this issue in another year or two and see how this plan is working for you.
wifey added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 10:08 amdon’t worry everyone, this topic is still in discussion at our house… i don’t want our kid to be the one who spoils it for everyone else’s kids at school that there’s no santa. I think Ed needs to go watch “Polar Express”. There’s just something fun & magical about believing in Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy, etc. that I wouldn’t want our kids to miss out on. We’ll definitely keep you posted on the issue
Brad added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 10:42 amWe all know that a Red Rider BB Gun will do little more than shoot an eye out. That’ll only piss off Tubby and The Midgets. Are you sure that’s what you really want?
mrjerz added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 2:29 pmSanta sucks. I tried a couple of times to let it all out, but my partner told me to shut it. And sorry, Heidi, Polar Express was LAME with a capital LAME. And straight up weird, too.
:: jozjozjoz :: added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 6:34 pmI would LOVE for my kid to be the one to ruin it for all the other kids!
Becky added these pithy words on Dec 13 04 at 10:34 pmI thought my brother was the only one who thought that way. Not having kids myself, I cannot say. However, I do wonder how things will go when your kid is in school…
Shane added these pithy words on Dec 14 04 at 10:58 amI hate Santa, too. But in my case, it’s more related to the repeated sexual abuse by mall employees than to him being imaginary.
Genuine added these pithy words on Dec 14 04 at 8:06 pmJust stopping in to say hello and to congratulate you on your recent nomination at the BoB Weblog Awards 2004.
