If you write a blog, don’t ever post about how sorry you are that you haven’t blogged lately. People aren’t angry at you. The worst they’ll do is stop reading what you post. Of course, I’m good. I could understand how people might feel a deep emptiness when I fail to post- that’s why you can dig thru the rich bounty of my archives.

Seeing so many of these apologies on the web lately inspired me to pull this one out and dust it off…

Originally posted June 29, 2004:

It’s funny. I have a lot going on lately, but I haven’t been hitting the blog. It’s like a friend I’m not really avoiding, but when I see them out-and-about while I’m getting errands done I feel a bit guilty ’cause I haven’t called.

BLOG: Ed!
ED: (feigning surprise) Oh, heeeeeey- Blog!

*awkward silence* (this space would be filled with some emotional song if my life was a teen drama)

ED: wow. soooo… what have you been doing lately?
BLOG: Not much. (meaning not much since I’m used to doing stuff with you) How’s Heidi?
ED: Nauseous. (holds hands on stomach) You know she’s pregnant right?
BLOG: What? Congratulations!!!! (added excitement meant to twist the knife of guilt further in my gut since I didn’t tell him) well, I heard- that’s just amazing.
ED: You know I’ve been really busy lately.

(conversation stops. very awkward silence since that statement was totally unprovoked. so i continue)

ED: Yeah, whew! It’s just been work, and Heidi throwing up and school- well, not this summer but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and sheesh, just a whirlwind.
BLOG: Yeah.
ED: Wrrrrrrrrr (makes fake whirlwind with hands and sound effects. lame laugh)
BLOG: Well cool, hey I gotta pick up come dandruff shampoo.
ED: Hey it was cool seeing you.
BLOG: Yeah.
ED: I’ll call.

Originally Aired June 1, 2004

Making a Connection

For those loyal readers who have been keeping putting up with me over the last year, you know that I sometimes have a hard time making friends. i.e:

The Political Kid
The Bee Gee Fans

Well, now one of my posts has caught the eye of one Cassondra. She has taken issue with me concerning my strong dislike of Pit Bulls- otherwise known as Satans Poopy Pets. But far be it from me to leave an enemy lurking on the net- earlier tonight I (in usual Ed form) presented Cassondra with the olive branch via IM.

Who want to lay odds on how it went?

Ed: hey there sugar
Cassondra: well hello there
Ed: so it seems you feel strongly on about the subject
Cassondra: i suppose it does
Ed: pit bulls, that is
Cassondra: obviously smart ass
Ed: hey hey hey
Cassondra: seriously you are a waste of my time, why are you iming me?
Ed: well i thought we could make nice
Cassondra: and what made you think such a thing?
Ed: youre not making this easy
Cassondra: did you want something?
Ed: come on now, cassondra
Ed: all we want is to peacefully co-exist
Cassondra: how old are you?
Ed: you know- enjoy our time here on spaceship earth
Cassondra: yeah
Ed: im 27 but im really immature
Cassondra: oh ic
Cassondra: i’m looking at pictures, is that you with the beard?
Ed: oh yes. the cute one.
Cassondra: mmhmm
Ed: see?
Ed: how can you stay mad at him?
Cassondra: i find you close minded
Ed: close?
Ed: like really near?
Cassondra: CLOSED MINDED*
Ed: oooohhhhhh….
Cassondra: you are immature
Ed: yes, i believe we covered that.
Cassondra: so, why do you hate pit bulls
Ed: one bit me really hard
Ed: and shook me around
Cassondra: your so full of it
Ed: no, totally
Cassondra: can’t you be serious
Ed: i am very serious
Cassondra: i don’t believe you
Ed: i was volunteering for a drive to giveout immunization informaiton to low-income families
Cassondra: a german shepard attacked my brother but i don’t hate them
Ed: and at one house a pit bull came out and bit the crap out of me
Ed: it wasnt my brother
Ed: it was my leg
Cassondra: i’m just saying
Ed: what- my leg isnt important anymore?
Cassondra: any dog could have done that
Cassondra: it never was
Ed: i thought we were friends
Cassondra: not to me anyways
Cassondra: how does your wife deal with you?
Ed: a lot nicer than a pit bull i’ll tell you that
Cassondra: your an idiot
Ed: and thats why they all love me
Cassondra: they all as in who?
Ed: hey listen this has been fun, but i gotta go watch a movie with my non-pit bull wife
Ed: lets do this again
Cassondra: alright, talk to ya later [richard]head

Originally Aired April 8, 2004

Typical Couple Problems

So Heidi and I are at what experienced couples would call an impasse.

We don’t see eye to eye on a particular subject and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Now, I’m not calling it an argument for a few reasons. First, neither of us have intentional hurt the other’s feelings over it- and I respect the fact that she stands by her opinion, I just don’t like it. I dunno how many of our readers have had a similar discussion with their significant others, but let me tell you- don’t open this Pandora’s box unless you’re totally prepared to hear the answer.

Heidi says that if I were to become a flesh-eating zombie that she’d have no problem blowing my brains to kingdom come.

That’s just kind of hard to hear, you know? I mean I asked the question knowing full well that she’d be honest about it but I just don’t look at her the same now. I’d have a heck of a hard time putting her down if she was a zombie.

I don’t know how I could possible reconcile it. There she’d be- all cute and snuggly- my little bunny-bear, except she’d be the walking dead. She’d probably have a little bit of our neighbor hanging on her chin or something, and a touch of the crazy eye- but come on, she’d still be my wife. How could I take a shotgun or a shovel or something to the soulless shell that used to be my wife?

But of course, she says that she wouldn’t think twice. According to her, the moment she catches me feasting on the warm corpse of another human being the bonds of holy matrimony are effectively severed. I don’t know. It just seems cold.

When she says it there’s just this steely resolve in her eye, like she’s already counted the cost. I can tell you this- I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I’d probably keep her locked up in the basement or something. Perhaps send her a neighborhood dog once and a while to keep her happy, but I’d never intentionally send her cute little lifeless body into the sweet hereafter. Maybe it’s a guy thing- we’re far more influenced by looks than women are.

A few times I’ve entertained the idea of letting her munch on a forearm or something in a attempt to join her in zombiedom, but it’s a bridge I don’t want to cross till I come to it. For now, I just have to live with a woman who is fully prepared to finish me off if and when the time comes.

If you can offer any helpful advice or insight, please do.

Originally Aired January 7th 2004

Stupid White-Boy Comment #432

I used to think that if I was black I would like to be huge. Like a big old club bouncer at some blues place. With a deep scratchy Barry White kind of voice. Always makin’ obscure musical and historical references that only other older black people understood. And I’d get the newspaper every day from the same street-wise vendor, who would trade musical trivia questions or odd funk-sounding riddles just before we tapped fists in a cool, black secret-handshake sort of way. Plus, I’d know everyone in the whole city, and they’d all say “whaddup” as they passed by- and we’d exchange knowing glances. At my place I’d have all kinds of hard-to-find jazz recordings on vinyl, and a few black-and-white pics of me with people like Maya Angelou or Thelonious Monk.

Now I figure I’d just wanna be the smoothest man alive.

Originally Aired January 21, 2004

LOCAL WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO NAB PRESTIGIOUS AWARD

See, this story deserves so much more than just “Gas can, cigarette cause car explosion.” How can such a tiny blurb accompanied by a collection of pictures accurately depict such a riviting tale of heroicism and self sacrifice? It can’t. So our investigative reporting team here at EDANDHEIDI.com went down to the scene to interview this brave woman.

ED: For those just tuning in, this is Ed Adkins reporting for EDANDHEIDI.com on an incredible story unfolding in our own Reno, Nevada. I’m here with local heroine, Carol Wall, who I’m told earlier today was set to become the latest Nevadan to recieve the prestigous, “Darwin Award”. Now, I’ve got to speak up, since Mrs. Wall is now 90 percent deaf due to almost killing herself and three other people while attempting to light a cigarette today- a cigarette named “fame”.

Carol: (moderately charred) My car is on fire.

Ed: Now it says here that you are not actually retarded. Isn’t that true Mrs. Wall?

Carol: WHAT? Oh yes- I’m technically not retarded. At least not enough to recieve state funding.

Ed: Now, that is amazing. So you are telling me that earlier today, you put an uncovered gas can in the back of your tiny hatchback and then tried to light a cigarette- without the aid of mental retardation? Amazing.

Carol: Well, I always was a dreamer.

Ed: And to boot- you kept the windows up. I’m supprized you even had the mental ability to ignite your little gas-bomb. Any normal person would have succomb to asphyxiation. What kept you going?

Carol: It wasn’t easy, Mr. reporter man. A couple times I came real close to just takin a nap-

Ed: While driving?

Carol: You can’t take little things like that into account when you’re going for the gold, friend. My eyes were on the prize- that shiny Darwin thingy just a’ gleamin’ on my mantle.

Ed: Or the mantle of your next of kin, naturally. Woman you are an inspiration. Here’s to your next attempt at greatness. On location in Reno, this has been Ed Adkins with an exclusive segment of EDANDHEIDI. Back to the newsroom.

Special shout-out to Jerz & Mrs. Jerz for the article.