Here’s another little insight into just how twisted my mind is. I had just got back from the conference in phoenix hell, and I was unpacking my crap & Heidi and I were talking…

HEIDI: So that hotel was pretty nice, huh?

ED: Oh yeah- real swanky. Apparently they’re known for their beds. It’s supposed to feel like you’re sleeping on heaven.

HEIDI: Nice.

ED: I don’t know if you should market your beds as heaven, tho. I bet a lot of people end up feeling pretty guilty for what they’re doing on them.

HEIDI: Ha.

ED: Plus it was a straight-up resort. They had all kinds of shops and bars. You could even get massages and facials and everything. I could have dealt with a massage.

HEIDI: You mean you wouldn’t get a facial?

ED: Pffffft. Come on- I mean, sure, everyone says it’s got lots of protein, but I don’t think I’d be able to get over the taste.

HEIDI: OMG.

ED: Have a great day at work bun.

HEIDI: You too.

*smoochy smooch*

ED: If we weren’t married I would soooo have to stalk the hell out of you.

HEIDI: *feigned swoon* You are so romantic.

ED: Do you ever wish I was normal?

HEIDI: (pause) no, never.

ED: Hm. Yeah. That would suck so bad you’d want to die.

HEIDI: I don’t know if I’d go that far

ED: Admit it. If you had married [normal ex-boyfriend] you’d want to kill yourself. He’s totally normal.

HEIDI: Yeah.

ED: Of course I’d probably want to kill myself too, since I’d have to sleep with both you.

HEIDI: Retard.

On the phone with my stepmom last night, driving home…

STEPMOM: So you guys getting excited?

ED: Holy crap yes. We can’t wait to see the baby.

STEPMOM: How is Heidi feeling? She OK?

ED: Yeah. She just wants the baby out tho.

STEPMOM: Yeah the last month is like that.

ED: YOU STUPID FAT WHORE!

STEPMOM: …

ED: LET ME IN WHORE! LET ME IN! WHAT THE HELL?

STEPMOM: eh…

ED: I’m sorry- there’s an accident ahead in my lane and this chick won’t let me in. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

STEPMOM: No problem. I live with your father.

STEPMOM: (to father) Your son is calling a woman a whore because she won’t let him in her lane.

ED: A fat whore.

STEPMOM: (to father) a fat whore.

ED: It’s different.

FATHER: (in background) That’s my boy!

STEPMOM: You father usually uses a complex system of profanities, gestures and The Stare.

ED: OMG I love his stare- I do it perfect. I even get people in the car to do it in unison as we drive past bad drivers.

STEPMOM: You guys…

ED: There’s the pissed off “hit you in the face with a shovel” stare and of course the slight head-shake in disbelief stare- that one is powerful- i kind of feel bad when i use it sometimes.

STEPMOM: ha.

ED: I don’t even have the window down- this is more for me tho- catharsis.

ED: She is a beastly thing tho- she’s huge- she’s pressed against both front windows of her little Geo Metro. I guess given that it’s doubtful she’s a real whore.

STEPMOM: OMG.

ED: (to lady) I hope you can lip-read you spiteful pig-thing- cause I’m passing you poor overworked car.

ED: Hey you guys have a great night- we’ll call you when Heidi goes into labor.

STEPMOM: Love you guys- bye.

ED: When you were paying, this guy in a grey sweater was totally checking you out

HEIDI: No.

ED: Totally. He looked you up & down several times.

HEIDI: I hate that.

ED: He seemed rather fixated on your butt. At one point he mouthed the words, “oh yeah.”

HEIDI: Holy crap. That’s sick.

ED: Yeah.

HEIDI: Well what did you do?

ED: Kept staring.

HEIDI: Oh hun.