Dive into the archives.
- Super (Sober) Sleuth
So, today I’m doing the closest thing I can to the walk of shame.
You know the walk. Back in the dorms in college, at about 7AM on the weekends you’d see a mass exodus of what appeared to be really pretty zombies: chicks with messy hair, a collection of their purse and belongings balled up [...]
- Time To Jog
Since getting married and selling out to the man for a desk job, I have- through a strict regiment of beer and hot pockets- dedicated myself to developing the figure of a German grandmother. Today I realized that I do indeed have a problem.
A moment ago, while stretching at my desk, my pants button jettisoned [...]
- Every Time I Fart A Flash Goes Off
I had my first homosexual experience last friday.
I’ve always considered myself quite the deviant, but this time I raised the bar.
1. I had someone enter the back door.
2. I was on so much drugs I don’t even remember the experience.
3. Once they were finished, I paid them.
Top that, sickos.
Dont look at me. I can [...]
- When People in Hell Die They Go To Phoenix
I stepped off the plane, and into the dumbest nightmare imaginable.
This is Phoenix. It’s going to be somewhere around 732 degrees tomorrow. “oh, but it’s a dry heat.” Uh huh. That makes it better. That’s like saying, “but it’s the good herpes.”
Breezes out here are just depressing. When you grow up somewhere with actual seasons [...]
- Plague Update 2005
I went back to work today.
For about an hour and a half.
That’s when the mutations started. I quickly developed a rash over most of my body. Seriously, the guy who invented the andromeda strain must live next door to my house.
I now have red dots everywhere and everything above my ankles feels a mixture [...]
- :::::: ColonWatch 2005
Basically, I’m falling apart.
I don’t get to find out what the problem is for 4 more weeks. That’s when they’re gonna stick a camera up my ass. Apparently the treatment for most gastro-intestinal problems is utter humiliation. Not only do they shove a Polaroid up there, but I hear they snip off a souvenir.
Nice.
It gets [...]
- Tragedy Strikes My Pooper
So the Doctor thinks I’ll be OK, but I have to stay off my colon for a few days.
After feeling all day that I was growing an evil twin in my small intestine, I spent the better part of last night in the ER.
It started out innocent enough- a little indigestion after dinner. But then [...]
- They Took My Baby Away
“It’s either She goes or our family falls apart Ed. You have to end it.”
“How did you even know Helen and I were spending so much time together?”
“How could I not? You talk about her all the time, and anytime someone saw you they saw her too.”
“Man, I had no idea.”
“It’s really sad she could [...]
- Elevator Chronicles: Part One
The following is an internal conversation that occurred while Walking into the elevator the other day:
(Step into elevator, push Lobby)
MIND: … I can’t believe how quick the final exam got here- I’m so not prepared at-
ABDOMEN: Yo man.
MIND: …all. Maybe if I rush I…
ABDOMEN: Dude.
MIND: …get home… read my notes- WHAT?
ABDOMEN: I’m noticing some discomfort.
MIND: [...]
- How Not To Wake Up
Not the way to start your day.
Picture yourself as me this morning- if, of course, you can handle that much cool for a second. Your eyes have barely fluttered, you hardly remember the couple times Heidi got up to hit snooze. On second thought, wait- get out of bed with my wife.
Now it’s me. I [...]
