Last night NBC in all it’s brash confidence decided, like so many of history’s serial killers and horse whisperers, to tread the thin line between genius and infamy- and millions of lives hung in the balance. Last night they attempted to remake the glorious beacon of comedy that is The Office. It was a terrifying and nerve wracking night, waiting for it to premiere. It was like someone attempting an extreme makeover on my baby. She doesn’t need it in the first place, there’s no way you could make her better, so really I’m just waiting to see what kind of horrible monstrosity you’ve turned her into.

The only way I could handle the wait was by dulling my nerves with massive amounts of nigiri and sake at our favorite sushi joint.

So with the thick smell of raw salmon and seaweed on my breath, and a generous amount of cold sweat on my brow, I forced myself to watch. and below- for you, gentle reader- are my humble thoughts.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY: Ed’s guide to the US version of the office.

The BBC version of the Office. The single most perfect comedic presentation ever to be filmed. Ever.	The USA version of The Office. A fresh new take on an old favorite, or a sick twisted bastardization, savagely raping the beloved original? Let’s see.
Brent Rude, ridiculous, awkward and totally self-absorbed. He’s got management written all over him.	Michael Inept? Yes. As strong of a character as Brent? Notsomuch.
Tim A slacker’s slacker. Tim lives with his parents but he’s still the man.	Jim It’s good to see they went through the trouble of changing the first letter of his name.
Gareth The embodiment of all things evil in your office. Rule-addict, power-hungry, and pathetic.	Dwight A poor-man’s Gareth. He just might break this show.
Dawn She’s got a lame boss and a lame boyfriend. We all want to see her with Tim.	Pam Snore. Who wants to sexually harass someone who belongs selling country crafts at the flea market?

In my opinion, the premier of The Office showcased an OK remake of an incredible show. First off I don’t even know why we try this crap anyway. Whenever we Americanize British shows we make a strong case for another terrorist attack. The American version of “Coupling” was a miserable failure. With Kingdom Hospital we took a masterpiece, handed it to Stephen King, and allowed him and a bunch of network producers to totally gangbang it in front of the nation- thankfully no one tuned in anyway. I think everyone involved in filming it were forced to move to Canada.

As for last night’s premier, it’s alright. As long as you forget you ever saw the original- which is very hard since almost nothing in the episode was new. Also, don’t look for the subtlety of the original- jokes that were hinted at in the BBC version have to be spoon fed in the US (the racial jokes, the jello-encased office supplies)

Bottom line: I’ll watch a few more episodes and see if it gets better. I wish they had come up with all new characters and given the US Office its own identity. This would have even opened up the possibility of a crossover episode in the future if it’s a hit, and would have avoided the distraction of comparing it to its superior predecessor.

Of course, some people (jerz) shouldn’t worry because they have such a hard time distinguishing solid intelligent humor and friends reruns.

If you’re not watching Robot Chicken, well… there’s really not much I can do for you.

I just laughed at a 60 second segment of nothing but action figures getting hit in the crotch.

…

Know what?

All that jealousy looks really unatractive.

Also I really feel like the whole blogosphere dropped the ball on the whole Lionel-Richie-Video/Starburst comercial. The thing is pure genius and yet still it flies under the radar.

It occurred to me today that I’ve never extolled the virtues of The Office.

Well, not one to exaggerate I will simply say that it is perhaps the most perfect series in all creation.

I believe that it, along with Anchorman, have come out during this dark time in order to heal the world.

That said, Tony Pierce mentioned that this Emmanuelle has reviewed the American version which I’m still not convinced won’t suck, bringing the end of all humanity.

Why is it that media sources- usually the official gate-keepers and transmitters of the latest trends, coolness and hippitude are so ancient in their thinking.

They believe that they can dick consumers around forever with no repercussions. Then, when consumers fight back they push for legislation to beat them down.

I see media now like the last Russian Czar. Clueless about the power of the people.

They’re old dusty white men wearing masks that say MTV and HBO. But stuff like last night is where their oldmanness starts to show bigtime.

I watched Desperate Housewives last night to see what all the hubbub was about, but mostly b/c I needed to fill the void between Battlestar Galactica and Huff. It wasn’t too bad. Until the end. The extended two minute end. That was L A M E.

Two aggravating extra minutes. Don’t think we don’t know why you’re doing this.

Then I read this story where NBC tries to say, “oh, that’s just, um, a new thing for ad revenue.”

Yeah, it’s just a coincidence that PVRs are sorta on the rise. Then TIVO chimes in with “ABC is our friend. NBC wouldn’t lie to us.”

Since when is TIVO ABC’s bitch? And at what benefit?

I don’t know about you, but when as soon as I get the feeling that I’m getting played I split. I don’t care about your show, I don’t care about your words, I care about my power as a consumer. Quit making it hard to access your subpar CRAP. Quit pretending that you don’t need to be consumer-focused.

I hear you loud and clear, Mr. Network Excutive.

“It’s not my job to make it easy for people to leave our network,” -ABC scheduling chief Jeff Bader

= “It’s not my job to meet consumer needs”

= “It’s not my job to pull my head out of my butt in time to see the market taken over by a competitor/substitute who will.”

And it’s not our job to watch your crappy show.

Plus they’re so not hot. Isn’t Terry Hatcher like 52 or something?

This was going to be a review of last Friday’s debate. Unfortunately I didn’t write down my opinion on it fast enough and now all I remember is Kerry had a red tie while Bush sported a blue one. The truth is, debates suck. Not enuf action, not enuf drama, not enuf music or backup dancers.

But I do bring something to the table, gentle readers. I see all these programs lately trying to convince young people to vote, a la “puffy is doing it- so should you!” Wrong approach. You can’t change the kids- change the system. You see how many people vote on reality TV- why am I the only one who is brave enough to make the connection?

COMMANDER-AND-CHIEF: THE RACE TO BECOME THE NEXT LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

Bust it out in a way that actually appeals to the American public. Lights, crowds, Seacrest. You could hold auditions at malls and stuff across the nation. Get some judges like Bill Mahr, a few guys from Fox news and mix it up with some sassy B-listers like Gary Hart or Al Sharpton.

Tell me you wouldn’t like to see them all lined up- all these old guys in suits- sitting, standing, pacing in front of The Buckle or Cinnabon, all waiting to go in and get shredded. Howard Dean comes out and he’s all, “Dammit- I completely freaked out. The pressure, man. The pressure.”

People could vote via email or text messaging- and why not let ‘em do it more than once- if they enjoy it why stop em? Coke and McDonalds could do special promotions with the candidates on the cups- it would really jazz up the whole thing.

The finalists could each get a mock staff and be presented each week with crucial policy decisions. Their staff briefs them and we get to see all the action. Then they decide stuff- I dunno like taxes or nukes or something. Then we all vote on how they did. Plus there’d be backup singers and dancers and lights and stuff. I’m not against having them eat mealworms or rat kidneys or something either.

Of course there would be singing. And dancing. And group routines. I’d kill to see Bush and Kerry doing “Summer Lovin’” or “Bohemian Rhapsody” together.

Then we all watch the season finale where Seacrest is all, “You voted America. The ballots are in and the tally has been counted. Now to see who will be the next, COMMANDER AND CHIEF…

…right after ONE MORE message from our sponsors. And another. and another. and another.”

This idea is gold. I know it.