HA. Well, it seems our friend Dr. Atkins was a fatty in poor health. HA! That’s got to be the best story of 2004. Atkins dieteers are worse than some new religious converts. I half expect to see a couple of them at my door Saturday morning, asking:

“Friend, are you truely happy with your carbs? Have you thought about what you’ll weigh when you die? I was a miserable wreck before Dr. Atkins showed me way out of danishes and into the light.”

Or even better, on the plane…

“Everyone on the Atkins diet raise your hand. Everyone else, you’re crazy.”

They act like its ushering in the second coming. Most of you aren’t even doing it right- you’re just starving their body of the stuff it needs: and why? Because it’s a heck of a lot easier than say, EATING A BALANCED DIET AND, OH I DON’T KNOW, GOING FOR A JOG OR TWO?!?!?? So not only do you put unnecessary strain on your organs with massive loads of protein and cholesterol, you shock it and take away a major energy source in order to lose a few quick pounds. Ugh. Then it’s just a matter of time before you give in to the massive cravings you’ve kick started and you go on a bender eating whole loaves at a time.

Actually, all that isn’t even bad. It’s the fact that you try to tell everyone its the cure to all their problems. Junkies lose weight too. Not only that but they get to eat bread too. Maybe the next one after the South Beach should be the Back-Alley Meth diet. Go promote that one.

I understand we eat too many carbs, so don’t try to educate me on that one. BUT I also don’t want to hear that I should cut out the one constant PART OF EVERY CIVILIZATION’S MEALS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF RECORDED HISTORY because a portly man in poor health wrote a book on it. I’ve stopped trying to cram what makes me happy down people’s throats, if it really works people will go for it. Besides, you don’t need more people to subscribe just to make it seem more valid.

Fads like low-carb diets and Orkut services are teaming up to make the new millennium unbearable already. Next we’re gonna hear that the creators of Friendster are lonely hermits.

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